Logan's Log 5 - Speculations & Paranoia
Logan loses trust and faith, but soldiers on all the same
Logan’s Log 5:
Well, I’ve gone and done it now, folks. Logan fucked up. Full-on mouth-on-foot action, prominently displayed. You see, the word’s out about me. The troops all know about these here audio logs.
“Did you hear he’s talking to himself on that fucking digi-deck while the rest of us eat and sleep? Did you hear he’s keeping a diary, or some such?”
(Pause. Then a snort)
They ain’t said it to me yet, but I can hear what comes next. It probably sounds like
“Shit, I hear Logan’s recording all his precious princess thoughts and feelings like some fantified teen-older. It ain’t Texan, you know? Whining into the mic like some weak-toast Lost Coaster. You know what I mean? It’s like, it’s like them Earth-stuck mambies who go and upload every little whinge-binge to the big ol’ Nets, doing it all for a bunch of ‘pity-me’s’ and ‘don’t-you-please.’ Fuck that. We might as well be making a vid of all our cripes and gripes, and post all of that petty-pussy shit on Bluetube or ShareMee…”
(Chuckles)
“I mean, damn, if he ain’t making a fool for both the worlds to see. Of his self and us!”
(Sniffs)
Then comes, “Oh, well, you know, I hates to say it… but if you ask me, I’d say the captain’s cracking. Aeneas is plumb pecan. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say our Knight-Captain Forest went and got hit square in the face with a full spray of Guano! I don’t know about y’all, but it seems to me, that he’s acting more than half-Fected, at least in the brain-lane. That’s why they call it Batshit.”
“Yep, that’s our commanding officer now. Fuckin’ loco in the yolko. Crazy as all get out. That there’s our ol’ Logan.”
(Sighs)
...I’m exaggerating for effect of course. And perhaps ‘cause, well, cuz I’ve been a bit...sensitive and defensive on the issue. Still a little sore, I suppose.
(Short sigh)
Yeah, I’m probably making a mountain out of a molehill, same as I’d like to think they are. And they ain’t even making a real mountain of it just yet. The chatter ain’t that bad.
(Spits)
And it ain’t gonna get that bad. ‘Cause I won’t let it get that bad. It just ain’t gonna happen. ‘Cause I may not have gotten in front of it all, but I sure as shit wasn’t far behind.
(Lights a cigarette. Drag and puff)
I put a stop to it tonight. We both did. Me and Val.
She approached me shortly before our dinner rounds with nothing more than a slight frown. Then, nonchalant as you please, she whispered to me the quick head’s up in about a two dozen words or less.
Something like, “Talk to the troops. They are worried about you. And they need to trust their commander.” I had had my suspicions at the time, but that’s when she confirmed ‘em.
Val had known about the logs of course, probably all along. My experience is, she has known most things the whole fuckin’ time.
Cuz as far as Val’s concerned, it’s Val’s business to know just about everything that goes on in this little outfit, my Dirty Dogs crew. Especially when it comes to little ol’ me. I don’t begrudge it at all. In fact, I’m grateful. She has to keep up with it. I know she has to in case… in case I croak and she needs to take over.
But at the time I just wondered who had heard me first, and who spilled the beans to everyone else. Which amateur miller had gotten those rumors up and running in the first place.
Stanek had heard me yesterday, obviously. But he didn’t snitch; I’ll vouch for that. The Czech’s no grass. He’ll take his secrets to the grave, and bury the rest of ours along with him.
(Drag and puff)
And I doubt it was Lupe. I mean, I suppose it could be, but uh… well, as I was casually walking over to the group gathered for our little come-to-Jesus meeting... that is, my own personal “Here’s how it stands, here’s how it’s gonna be, and you can kindly fuck off after you respectfully salute and say ‘yes, sir, I got it,’” meeting… So, as I was stomping over to say all that, I noticed some shifty glances and caught some worried little whispers.
That’s right when Lupe told the others to cut the shit-talk and listen up. She could have been faking and saving face, I suppose. But it didn’t look like that to me. It looked like her reminding them about the chain of command. To have a little respect, for the people and the process.
(Drag)
Which means a lot to me coming from Lupe, ‘cause... well, she ain’t a rookie to the Mercs or anything, but she is fairly new to us Dirty Dogs. No more than four months with this little outfit. So I appreciate the loyalty. The vote of confidence.
(Sniff)
...And Hodge is out, obviously. Luther too. The gossip definitely didn’t come from either of them.
(Clears throat)
...Which still leaves a few candidates.
(Pause)
I figure two top the list. In my estimation, it was Kenwick or Perkins. One or the other.
(Long drag. Puff. Long drag.)
Ah, who am I kidding? It was Perkins. Definitely. You want to know how I know? She came to my tent tonight…and she...
(Pause)
She... “offered” herself to me. Said she had overheard that bit about Emily before… and so… she wanted to…
(Pause)
And I was drunk, yeah, but…
(Long drag)
I wasn’t that drunk.
(Drag)
And I’m good and sober now. So I’ll tell you what I told all of them. And then I’ll tell you what I told her.
(Cough)
I remember the first speech almost verbatim. And I could rattle it all off right now from memory, every last syllable. But I ain’t trying to show off, and I’d sure sound like a jackass quoting my own self word for word. And these recordings are supposed to be a true accounting of things, so… so I guess I might as well just play back the audio from then. ‘Cause I did record it, right as I spoke it, for my sake and theirs. So here goes.
To the troops:
(End Log)